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More than a year had gone by since the first time we'd spoken, and yet it felt like we picked up right where we left off. Almost.

Seeing your name pop up on my screen brought back the conflicted feelings I thought I'd left behind with the memories of you, but seeing your face again made me feel even more tormented. You looked the same and yet you didn't. It was a face that I knew, a face that I had once seen and spoken to every day, but it was different. I don't know you, not any more, and though I know that it will do me no good to rekindle what we had, a part of me can't help but want...

You are still beautiful. And you still have the ability to make my chest constrict, to make my breathing stop for a second and wonder what could've been. God, it makes me angry. I thought I was over you and all it took was seeing your face wishing that things could've been different between us for me to realise that I was wrong. So wrong.

I didn't want to talk to you, but I did. Civility, I decided, was the best course of action to take with you. Don't cause a scene. Don't make people wonder about what happened between us. The history is too much. Too little. Too everything. You said you missed me. I hated it. I wanted to spill everything, remind you that it was you who fucked things up, not me. But I missed you too and it hurt me, almost as much as you did. I could see the regret in you, and how much you wanted to apologise and try to regain that semblance of trust we once had...

But it's much too late for that.

No matter how hard I try to, I can't forget you. Can't forget us. How happy I was, how happy I thought I was. The pain, the fighting, the crying. The wishing that I was more experienced and knowing about relationships, older and more everything. The wanting to do anything to please you, to reassure you that it was you I wanted and not Him, that it was you I loved.

It was a constant struggle. I was too naive, too trusting, too fucking trusting in you to realise that you were bad for the young and impressionable me. I never ever believed I was good enough for you when we argued. It was always me doing something wrong, always me who had to apologise, always me who had to sacrifice friendships to keep your insecurities about me wanting Him at bay. I did everything I could to show you, tell you, convince you of my love and it was never enough. If I spoke to Him then it had to mean that I never loved you.

But I did. I wholeheartedly loved you, and probably still do, just a little. But I won't get close to you again, not like before. I can't. Because being close you is a risk that I'm not willing to take. Because I can't trust that you won't hurt me again. Because I know that if I let you in, you'll be up to your old antics again. Because you haven't changed, not one single bit.

You still look at me in the same way. Still speak to me in the same way... this time with a hint of Regret. As if there's a possibility of no animosity between us, as if I'll come back to you and we'll go back to how things once were. But I won't fall for it.

No, I won't fall for you again.

Wow. it's really been such a long time since I've posted to this blog... if you will.

I guess firstly I want to state that the reason I even use livejournal is because of the fiction community that I'm a part of. Recently I found out that Plagiarism Heaven is being closed down... it comes as quite a shock. I suppose on some levels this gives me relief because I feel that I can finally add the elusive author blogs that I've wanted to add for years without feeling weird. Though being a member of TWA from close to when it was first opened, I was never allowed into PH and I guess that made me feel like I wasn't cool enough to join the crowd. Now that it's shutting down, I guess I feel I will be able to read all of the stories from FP that I wanted to, and share my opinions with the authors as I'd always wanted to but had never been permitted to.
On the other hand, the bigger hand, I guess it's saddening. Although I was never accepted into that community, from my experience in TWA I can tell that the community was probably a great place and help to both the writers and the readers. And I guess as an avid online fiction reader, it's regretful to see it go. I know that the reason for its closing down is because of lack of time, changes in ambitions, etc.. but it's always bittersweet to have to part with those you've become friends with, shared stories and imaginations with... the community itself and what it stood for was great. Plus, the authors (though I've never been able really ready complete stories) are fantastic, if not the best on FP.

And also I suppose I should update on my life. I've had this LJ for the best part of 6-7 years and yet I've definitely utilised my tumblr more in the past 3 years. Anyway, I guess this blog reminds me of my 14 year old self who was in love with jrock.
If I could send a msg to my younger self I'd say, in a few years you will have gone through ups and downs, but you'll come out of it positively. You've reached your goal and are now studying Japanese, so just keep going and work hard. Someday, everyone who is telling you that you're strange, you're a wannabe and that it's just a phase will eat their words. Don't quit, you're great at it.

I'm a second year Japanese student right now and I love it. 
So finally I'm back with another post. Yay! *cookies for me*
This time it's a poem! And~ it's in Japanese.
I was inspired by being in starbucks and just talking in Japanese for about half an hour, non-stop.
I just want to say that I'd appreciate people not saying things like "your Japanese is crap" and stuff like that because I am not good, I am still learning and I was just seeing if I could do this.
My grammar and such may be wrong, and my translation may be a little off, but this poem is all original, so any mistakes and such is all mine.

Kyou, watashi wa aozora wo miru
Hana wo miru
Anata wo miru

Kyou wa kirei na hi deshou?
Anata to watashi, isshou ni
Minna-san ni mimashou ka?

Ah, sou... Wakaru yo
Un~ daijoubu, wakatta yo
Kyou, anata no shigoto ga aru

Watashi wa anata ga suki
Kedo, anata ga wakarenai
Sore ga ii
Watashi to anata ga nakama da yo
Sore ga ii
Watashi tachi wa tomodachi da yo
Sore ga ii

Soshite, itsumo watashi tachi wa nakama da yo
'aishiteru' to iumasen
Watashi wa sono koto wo shimasen
Watashi wa sono koto ga dekinai suru
Kedo, watashi tachi wa nakama da yo
Sore ga yakusoku da yo.

Today, I see blue sky
I see flowers
I see you

Today is a beautiful day, right?
You and me, together
Shall we see everyone?

Ah, okay... I understand
Yeah, it's okay, I've got it
You have your work today

I love you
But, you don't know
That's okay
Me and you are friends
That's okay
We are friends
That's okay

And we'll always be friends
I can't say 'I love you'
I can't do that sort of thing
I am not able to do that sort of thing
But, we are friends
That's a promise.

Yayyyyy! What do you think? Do you like it, is it good? Comment and tell me, constructive criticism is always welcome.
It goes to this song.

Enter the cheese.Collapse )
08 06 08 - So.. [big bang, kpop, me]
I am being a real weirdo. Well not really. But anyway! I thought I should post to my LJ because I haven't done that in a while.

YES! Onto my new obsession that I shall spam this space about, BIG BANG! I actually love this group, they are amazing. Their songs are just so catchy and they make you want to dance once you hear them, not only that, but this group is so talented. They are funny too!

I think I just love everything about them, but to be honest, what is there not to love?

I think I should stop typing and get down to watching their HANA YORI DANGO parody. Another parody that will make me laugh. If I feel like it (which I will,) I'll embed it on here.
Authors Note: This is something I wrote for my English coursework.
                       It was for the conflict and the first draft got like.. a B.
                       Constructive Criticism is a-okay -thumbs up-

14 03 08 - Eternally Mine [writing]
Content: It's a short story that I wrote. It could be called a poem, I guess, but I'm not sure. So yeah, this is also in from a male's point of view. The other guy in the story was the narrator's best friend.
30 11 07 - Namida-Iro [poem, writing]
At war in my own home
I feel a sense of calm in my bathroom
Staring in the mirror, my emotions displayed on my face.

Anger, pain, sorrow, hurt...
The only feelings I've ever known.
To be admired was my past wish.
Now I sit silently, bleeding the foolish dreams away.
The bloodied razor covered in colourful tears.
Overflowing sadness,

Tears that stream,

Death feels,

Despair in the


Insane mentality.

Lying in vain.

Hope in the body.

Don't let them ridicule me.
Don't let them
hurt me.
Don't let them
get to me.
Don't let them
near me.
Don't let them
tear me apart.
Don't let them destroy me.
In irony I see humour.
I took your face, I let you wither.
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